Thursday, February 28, 2008

The Future of Football

A Soccer Mom writes

Well here goes, a little bit of female enlightenment and common sense about all things football. It’s been a long time coming and I am just brim full of ideas to help match day go a little more quickly. Here are a few of the things I will be covering when my opinion is sought.

What’s hot and what’s not on the touchline this season, make up and beauty tips on how to cope with the driving rain and still look good.
Accessorising those different football kits, which replica kit is right for you? The club to follow if you’re a redhead, the club not to follow if you’re a brunette.
Startling views on how star sign could make all the difference to which position you play on the pitch, why Virgos should never go in goal, and how two Pisceans in the centre of defence is asking for trouble.
The ideal shorts for the man in your life, and tips for the debutant Wag asked to attend a football match for the first time.
This is all to come in the future months when it is my turn to contribute.

This week I shall be concentrating on the pitch. Most teams seem to have one, all the coaches and Dads worry about them, gazing wistfully at their feet prior to kick off, brushing the grass tenderly with a touch reminiscent of the first flowering of love, pushing at sods with the balls of their feet, jumping up and down on a particular lump. It’s a worry for them, and can often feature in the post match analysis on how the game panned out. It’s all superficial and is what you would expect from the male of the species when faced with the tension of match day. Sometimes a detached view from a disinterested party, preferably of the female persuasion, can provide a deeper insight into what is right or wrong with a particular pitch on most match days. Here is just one way of improving your pitch and results.

To have any success in football the ancient Chinese art of Feng Shui should be considered. The ancient Chinese practitioners of Feng Shui knew that Good Feng Shui would produce bountiful harvest, healthy livestock, abundant life and hopefully a few goals. Bad Feng Shui would produce harsh winds and violent storms that would tear down their houses, villages and quite possibly leave the pitch unplayable. The first consideration when assessing the Feng Shui of your pitch is to obtain a Luopan compass. The essential tool of the Feng Shui man, it will determine the alignment of your pitch; for best results in cup and league, mark it out on a North South axis. It is of paramount importance when assessing the axis to use Magnetic North; True North could result in a late slide down the table or possibly relegation.
Once the axis has been determined, with a North goal and a South goal (both of which are magnetic) attention should be paid to the actual shape of the pitch, and its place in the local surroundings.
Pitch shape is not an exact science, some sites may suit a square pitch, some an octagon. Pitch Shape should be determined by the The Feng Shui man who, with a swish of his Loupan Compass will indicate what shape pitch a particular site is comfortable with. Sites that are deemed suitable for a circular pitch pose a problem with corner flags that is easily overcome by placing them in a random line off to one side.
A common myth when considering the Feng Shui index of your site is that the pitch surface should consist of neatly raked gravel in swirly patterns. As a medium for football pitches, grass scores well in the Feng Shui stakes, as do white lines.
The final area to consider are the surroundings, Feng Shui states that for best results the site should sit comfortably in its surroundings, a hill or waterfall in the wrong place could quite easily affect results. If moving a hill or redirecting a river is not viable, a small pond with Koi Carp behind each goal can help the balance. So there you go, if you need to avoid relegation, or just need a little help in the cup, get yourself a Luopan compass and get Feng shui ing - it’s the future of Football!