Mama Mia

One of the definite plus points of having to endure so many boys' football matches, is the chance to catch up with various other mums and friends who share a complete lack of interest in the game being played out in front of them. Often there will be a chatter of six or more of us, ignoring the action and enjoying the safety of numbers when asked the score - one of us is sure to get somewhere close.

On occasion, often when playing away from home, you can find yourself a lone female presence. If the ref is not much to look at I will often lose myself in my mp3, and my old friends Agnetha, Benny, Bjorn and Anni Frid, the mighty Abba. I have been a fan all of my life, have every song they recorded, have seen the musical – Mama Mia many times and have let myself down disgracefully at several “Bjorn Again” concerts over the years. Rumours of a reformation abound, if any of them can’t make it, give me a call. I could fill in for any one of the four.

It was while watching a particularly dull match in some far-flung part of the county, lost once more in my lone Swedish Odyssey, that I began to set out the game being played in front of me to Abba’s music, my own Matcha Mia.

It started with a goal being scored to the sounds of SOS, the goalkeeper left exposed by his defenders just as Agnetha was belting out the line “now you’re gone, how can I even try to go on?” The striker’s celebration played out to the tune of Lay all your love on me
Shortly afterwards, my son’s team almost equalised, the ref singing in his testosterone fuelled baritone Take a chance on me as he turned down the defender’s appeal for offside.

Half time and contrasting team talks from the respective coaches, the home team coach serenading his leading team with I have a dream the away team coach plaintively soothing his side with The Winner takes it all before realising that the softly softly approach was not working, switching to one of the Swedish greats more upbeat numbers Under Attack
The second half resumes with a rendition of Knowing me Knowing you by both teams, before the game/musical builds to a finish. Star opposition striker, strides down the wing with some fancy moves to the sounds of Dancing Queen telegraphs a pass to his fellow player to Ring Ring who is felled by a defender on the edge of the box singing Fernando Lots of pushing and shoving by a melee of players harmonising Does your Mother Know, before the ref steps in with a soothing rendition of When all is said and done and theatrically awards a free kick. Lots of debate as to who should take the free kick by a trio of players singing Gimme Gimme Gimme before the keeper saves the free kick while singing a Castrato version of Super Trouper.

The drama moves to the touchline and takes a dramatic twist. One of the parents, angry at the ineptitude of the olive skinned boy who conceded the free kick, questions the boy’s parentage, berating his Ginger haired Father while singing The day before you came. The flame haired father replying with Knowing me knowing you, before revealing that he may be the father of the irate father’s Dancing Queen son, following a dalliance with the man’s wife who works at the local school; instigating a moving solo of When I kiss the teacher. Both men coming together for a show stopping touchline version of One of us, before the ref calls time on the game and brings the house down with a storming version of That’s the name of the Game.

Lots of clapping, an encore by whole cast/ teams who come out to perform a boogie version of Honey Honey, with lots of wiggling and wriggling; followed up with a barnstorming version of Thank you for the music

I then come on to further applause to receive flowers from suitably tanned, toned and muscled males in swimwear, and give my own special version of Eagle …….….

What! What! “I can’t hear you with these ear plugs in”

“You won? That’s great”

“You scored? That’s great”

“We can go home? That’s great”