Eurovision Football Chumpionship

This year we are again blessed with the biennial early summer football tournament; European Championship alternating with the World cup. Austria and Switzerland this year hosting Europe’s finest national football teams. This does not include any of the teams from these shores, so husband and son are at a loss as to what to do. There is the cricket to follow of course, but deep down in their psyche they will be aware of a fiesta of football going on somewhere in the world to which their team was not invited. I did suggest that as an alternative to their early summer football tournament they could get their Euro fix by joining me and a few of my friends at our annual Eurovision binge. Cheap fizzy wine, a wide selection of snacks, all armed with pads to score each act and come up with a winners for categories such as “most unusual shoes”, “person you would most like to be behind in a conga” and “ the performer who most resembles Carol Vorderman” - Lordi won this category hands down two years ago. Lots of fun and very silly, far too silly for husband who was quite vociferous in his protestations that as a leading European footballing nation it was a travesty that his side were not in the finals, one of my friends commented that she thought they had withdrew from the finals on principle like Italy had from Eurovision which proved to be the last straw for husband, stamping off to the local cricket club nets to throw cricket balls as hard as he can at our son’s head. This little scene introduced a new category to the evening, grabbing the European Championship guide from the day’s newspaper we decided to rate each footballing country’s chances of winning the European Chumpionship on their Eurovision performances to date and on the night.

Group A:

Czech Republic:
Unfancied and never won the competition, happy to participate in Eastern bloc voting scams but always the bridesmaid never the bride, not sure they do much singing in Czech Republic too busy playing football, husband would do well here.

Portugal:
Another team never to win Eurovision, Georgie thinks that they gave up a few years ago. Again, struggle to remember any catchy tunes from Portugal and they are good at football, is there a link? Good Football teams don’t come from Singing countries, take note Chris Waddle and Glenn Hoddle, “Darling I love you whhoooaaaaa”…………… Yes there are more bottles in the fridge.

Switzerland:
Joint hosts of the tournament, purveyors of fine chocolate and cuckoo clocks, makers of nice watches, don’t get too excited or agitated, what’s not to like? Well, their winner in 1988 Celine Dion for a start, but they are the country who gave us Eurovision and won the first one in 1958. Not too hot at Footie apparently so more evidence there then.

Turkey:
An emerging Footballing Nation and a disappearing Eurovision one. Went through a phase in the seventies and eighties of asking ageing ladies in black dress fresh from beating Olive trees with sticks to have a go at a tune. Not a successful ploy so they turned to Sertab Erener, oozing Mediterranean swarth with chest wig and twirly moustache. Coming up trumps with the title,”Everyway that I can” albeit singing in English.



Group B:

Austria:
Footballing co-hosts with the Swiss, a competent Footballing nation matched by their Eurovision pedigree. Their only Eurovision title in 1966, Udo Jurgens belting out “ Mercie Cherie” in leather shorts, backed by an Oompah band. Maya says that Udo went on to manage the Austrian football side, but she often talks bollocks after 9.00pm

Croatia:
Apparently another fine footballing side. They have an unusual checkerboard design on their shorts that unfortunately clashes with the colour of their socks. Conclusive proof that Good footballing nations can’t sing. Struggle in Eurovision but can take some credit for the 1989 Yugoslavian victory that has subsequently been claimed by the Serbs.

Germany:
More proof of the trend, one of the most successful footballing nations has only won Eurovision once, in 1982 on penalties. Germany have finished in second place in Eurovision more than any other country, a thoroughly efficient performance, Vor sprung der Technik as they say in….. Oh good grief it’s the adverts, more Fizz anyone?

Poland:
Never won Eurovision, never won the European championship, Hmmmm, we’ll ignore this one. Ginny says that Krakow is lovely for a weekend break; with no apparent talent for football or Euro-pop I can quite see the attraction.

Group C:

France:
Giants of the game, and possessor of some of the dreamiest footballers. They have won Eurovision title five times although the last time was in 1977. Get Thierry Henry playing his drums and the title will surely be their’s again. Football wise they haven’t got a hope, not if my theory is anything to go by.

Holland:
Fine painters and renowned producers of round cheese, but singers they ain’t. They have won the Eurovision title four times, three times in the sixties, and once in the seventies with a well sung song, by a well hung throng of polder people titled “Ding a Dong” Georgie’s advice? Stick to football. Reasonable success on the football field coinciding with their poor run on the Eurovision stage.

Italy:
Triumphed twice in Eurovision before quitting the scene in a fit of Latin pique at suspect voting patterns; which came as a huge surprise to the rest of Europe who recognised it as a particular Italian trait. Top footballers so I rest my case; although Pavarotti did play in goal.

Romania:
Another emerging Footballing nation, and disappearing Eurovison one. What more can I say? Case closed.... fetch me more snacks.




Group D:

Greece:
The exception that proves the rule. Winning the European Championship in 2004, instigating an influx of “cheap Greeks”to English Football, following up with the Eurovision title in 2005 courtesy of Paparizou. Their only position of any note and due in part to them hosting the Olympics in 2004, position of the stars, clouds on Mount Olympus and high spring tides in the Med, whatever, I’m sticking with my “successful footballing nations don’t win Eurovision theory”.

Russia:
The Great Bear, and newly appointed Eurovision Champions??????. Obviously some Oligarch has flashed his chequebook and bought the Eurovision title, as happened in the premiership for three years (husband is back, wants to have his say. Eurovision not funny, serious stuff……………….stop giggling Georgie)
Right he’s gone, last bottle of fizz? Okay lets toast the new Idol of the East – Russia’s newly crowned Euro king Dima Bilan; dodgy song, sung by a bit of a dish, apparently - Georgie’s got her beer goggles on. Russia average at Footie so the theorem is back on track

Spain:
Hitting a rich vein of Eurovision form in the sixties taking consecutive titles in sixty eight and sixty nine with the seminal “la la la” and “vivo Cantando” Spain followed it up with a string of second places in the seventies eighties and nineties; Perennial under achievers at major football tournaments. I rest my case.

Sweden:
Giants of the Eurovision scene, home of Eurovision royalty the mighty Abba and outright winners of the title four times spread over four decades. For a country whose population have a reputation for a lot of nudity they have produced some of the more tasteful costumes in recent years. Don’t think they play football, lot of ice in Sweden, probably better at Ice-skating, What, they do? thought he’d gone to bed. Apparently they have performed reasonably on the international football stage even getting to a world cup final, sometime in the Middle Ages.

Fizz, snacks and friends all gone; we have conclusively proved that the team who wins the European Championship will have a poor Eurovision pedigree. Ireland the country with seven Eurovision triumphs are already out, as are England with Five. France with five wins must be discounted as a serious footballing threat, along with Sweden and Holland, both four times winners of the Song Comp. Spain, Italy Switzerland, Austria and Germany have all struggled with singing competitively, as have Russia, Greece, Turkey so are in with a chance on the pitch. My tip for success would come from Croatia, Czech Republic and Romania, they obviously struggle to carry a tune, with their own interpretations of musicality and tunefulness. Football is obviously their thing, Come on Croatia!